Smelly Toys

If you've ever had the displeasure to drive near a paper mill or a chemical production plant, then you'll understand the term "nose-hair-curling." It's a term I coined to explain the effect that some odors have on my olfactory nerves. That same odor is wafting through my office at this very moment. Yes, as I'm typing the smell has completely filled the room and is beginning to make my eyes water. No, my office is not near a paper mill or chemical plant and it hasn’t been fumigated in the last five minutes. What has happened though is that I’ve reached into The Box of Shame and pulled out a toy to review - only to find that it is one of those god-awful smelling toys that I wouldn’t put in your ass.

This is the topic of today, Smelly Toys. If you’ve ever bought a sex toy and brought it home, only to have your sinuses burn and your eyes water when you open the package, then you know exactly what I mean. If you went ahead and used it anyway, I understand - so did I. But, I digress. What I’m trying to point out here is that there is no reason we should have to make that decision. In case you don't know it, the same toy can be made with a different material, that doesn’t smell like tar remover, and it will feel and act the same way. I know it because I’ve seen it, and the stupid part was that the smelly toy cost me more.

They say on the packaging that it’s “non toxic.” I don’t care what they say, if it smells like something that should be under my kitchen sink with a skull and crossbones on its label, I feel like it may somehow be dangerous to my body, if not right away, then at least with extended use.

All of the manufacturers will tell you that their products are safe; they’ll even print it on the package. They’ll even tell you that they’re phthalate free, cadmium free, latex free, anti-bacterial, condom friendly, organic, vegan and made in the good ol’ USA. But not one of them will tell you anything about why their toys smell like hazardous chemicals, nor how the chemical smell emanating from them isn’t somehow absorbed into the delicate membranes of one’s nether regions.

Have you ever heard the name Vibratex? You may not have, but it was their “Rabbit Habbit” vibrator that was raved about on HBO’s Sex in the City. Anyway, they make their products from something they call elastomers. They’re phthalate free. Here’s what they have to say on the topic in an excerpt from an article on their web site:

“...phthalates are plasticizers that are used to soften PVC vinyls. If a vinyl does not have any softeners, it is basically very hard PVC plastic. There are different grades of vinyls- from food grade, which is used for plastic food storage containers and baggies, to economical grade, which is used in some lower-end athletic shoes and other products. The smell of a product tells you the grade of the vinyl and the quantity of plasticizers (phthalates) used to manufacture it. The more smell the product smells, the lower the grade, and the higher the quantity of phthalates used. You are probably aware of the terrible chemical smell that many of the jelly vibrators give off. This is basically the vinyl giving off large amounts of phthalates.

The adult industry is not regulated by the FDA or EPA, so there is no established set of standards to be followed. These government agencies do regulate children's toys, and they no longer allow phthalates to be used in children's toys or pacifiers…”

I say if somebody thinks it’s unsafe to put in a baby’s mouth, you probably don’t want in any of those tender areas between your legs.

The bottom line is this- if people would stop buying smelly toys and hold manufacturers to a higher quality standard then we could one day be free to purchase sex toys without fear of some unknown chemical leaching into our blood stream while we're enjoying one of life's simple pleasures. And now you know what Smelly Toys are so when you see a reference in one of my reviews you will understand why that toy made it into The Box of Shame.